August 13 is National Left Handers’ Day, also known as the day of my people. As 10% of the population, we receive surprisingly little consideration. Here are five things we want you to know. It’s time to check your #RightPrivilege.
- The next person to inform me of my shorter life expectancy is going to shorten their life expectancy.
When people find out about my left-handedness, they are quick to tell me, with a sinister grin plastered across their face, “You know lefties die earlier than right-handed people, right?”
Yes, perfect stranger informing me of my impending death, I am aware that left-handed people die, on average, 5-8 years earlier than right-handed people do. That’s because you all make this world so stressful. Scissors. Handshakes. Lanes of traffic. Heavy machinery. It’s no wonder we die. The world is a giant, right-handed death trap.
- The world is a giant, right-handed death trap.
Imagine living life backwards. That’s me. And Leonardo da Vinci. And Barack Obama (side note: I am more likely to be elected president than you because I’m left-handed. Except not actually because I’m a GIRL LOL).
Scissors are annoying to maneuver, but lefties figure that shit out around second grade. What we can never fix is that everything in this whole damn world goes from left to right, so whenever I walk up to a whiteboard I erase all of my writing as I write it.
People are always like, “Why do you write with your arm bent like that?” Um, because if I don’t, I look like I just gave the Silver Surfer a handjob.
And then there’s always someone who says, “You have nice handwriting for a leftie!”
That’s a really nice compliment for a backhanded one.
- Don’t ask us if we’re left-handed.
If I got a dollar for every time someone saw me doing something with my left hand and asked me, “Are you left-handed?” I would probably have enough money to establish a left-handed sanctuary, where all notebooks are bound the other way around and signatures can be smudged without judgment.
I just don’t understand the purpose of this question. Am I left-handed? No, I’m just doing this the hard way for fun. Of course I’m left-handed. That is why I am doing this thing with my left hand.
It can be a cool conversation starter when said as a statement, like, “Oh, cool! You’re a leftie.” But when it’s a question, I just want to punch somebody in the face. With my left hand.
- Do not try and teach me how to do The Thing. I will learn how to do The Thing myself.
Just. Don’t do it. I know you mean well, but it’s just not going to work. I have spent my entire life flipping the world over backwards — I got this. Take a note from my aunt, who, when tasked with showing me how to knit said, “Shit. I forgot about the leftie thing. Here, just watch this YouTube video.”
- There are more of us than you think.
Ten percent may not seem like a lot, but it is. Left-handedness is not easy to see unless you’re looking for it, and the people who look for it are generally other lefties. Being left-handed does not make anybody a special snowflake, but it does make figuring the world out a bit tougher. Just throw us a bone every once in awhile. Think of us when you’re designing something (I’m looking at you, Man Who Designed The Computer Mouse). I promise you — we’ll really appreciate it.